Wounded by Reality

How things were then, and how things are now. Or were things always the same? And just how I looked at them changed?

So what changed? Things or me? Or only the perceptions? And what brought the change? People? Or situations? Or experiences? Or my tolerance? Or my responses? Or the stimuli? – Some of it? Or all of it?

Don’t know what happened, and how, and why. All I know is, that of late the dilemmas have only thrived. Should I get into the dilemmas? Or should I just go with the flow? Now that also is a dilemma. If I get into the dilemmas, there will be more dilemmas.
And if I decide to go with the flow, what do I tell my mind?

Too many layers, ain’t they? Should I unclutter? Or should I let them fall off on their own?

How things were –
So beautiful, and so positive. I was so charged, so happy, so full of energy, confident and bold, always laughing and picking the right challenges and capable of putting most to rest, not caring what the world felt, just answerable to self, not complying with the traditional setup and the norms set by society, free, wild and raw.

How things are –
Completely the opposite should I say. I am so exhausted, still fighting but low, still being questioned, still answering and not cared for enough, suffocated, caught up in toxicity, loitering in the wilderness, feeling lonely at times, and why?

Because I tried to polish myself, because I tried to comply, because I tried to fit in, because I attempted to adjust within frameworks, because I tried to help, because I showed empathy, because I cared, because I considered myself strong and responsible, because I thought I could do it.

And look where I am – less hopeful, more letdown. So what do you think I would advise the ones who still haven’t taken the plunge? I suppose you would guess the answer.

Of course, how I look at everything has changed. My perception of the world and everything under the Sun has changed. The times have changed too.

We have so little time to do the more meaningful stuff. We are all so caught up in the race, surrendering bit by bit of the life force, our space and our peace of mind. All to fit in. All to belong. All to feel validated.

I’ve left most of my self behind. And I am not too happy about that. I’ve learnt a great deal all through the walk, but I wish I held on to my self, my core. I’ve met a lot of beautiful people, I carry their bits and bytes in me, like treasures. They help me tread. But also I hold some traumas. Those are learnings, from people I considered close or from having loved them.

I do understand however that it will not always be smooth, but having given all my heart and energy to everything that I have attached myself to sometimes makes me feel depleted and defeated – I lost those battles. Yes, they are all battles, each one you attach yourself with. Some you win, some you lose.

PHOTO CREDIT : SINITTA LEUNEN