Now What?

A new place, a new space, a chance to grow, a chance to glow- lay low or fly high was his call. A busy mind, restless drumming of the heart overridden by the bustling noise of the rhythmic buzz of his existence. The endless need- to just be there, present in the moment, the reality of it, and nothing else.

That is all he needed to get back on life- to fill the hollow ache always nesting comfortably at the pit of his stomach, the constant unease. Well aware of the fact, that there was no escape through it, and the only way was to deal it through, he was still terrified of the mind-numbing physical pain, and horrified by the constant trickling away of his mental peace- the struggle to hold on to the bare shards of sanity left.

The only reasonably sane idea was to reinvent himself, get busy living so naturally that when the blow would come, it wouldn’t hurt so much, it wouldn’t break him into a million pieces because he’d be so lost already. He knew that the sensation in his stomach had always led to one thing- endings.

This relationship was already on thin ice, if we could call it that. It was no relationship at all actually- the process of breaking up, moving on; and dealing with it would be easier, it would be what they call ‘understandable’.

This, this was something else. It was etched into his bones and no matter how much he tried to gnaw at it, it wouldn’t loosen its hold. It’s not that he was in any hurry to let go, but the entire deal was taking a toll on his soul. It was like a demon attached to him at all times- slowly and carefully eating its way into his soul, with him screaming but it appeared as if no sound could reach it. But he knew, that with every pause it took, it was listening intently but wouldn’t budge.

Except it’s no demon at all, it’s everything he wanted, everything he longed for, except a few things here and there, but it was still all he would ask for. It was like his prayers were answered, wrapped in a package. There was no regret with this. If he were asked to choose again, he’d have only shifted the timeline a little earlier, but this he would have chosen again.

He hasn’t given up yet, because this is his own angel- the most beautiful soul known to him. If it has turned into the devil today, it’s partly his fault. He knew he would go to any extent to fix this, patch this all up until he could do it no more. Giving up and letting go was always easier for him because no one ever mattered this much, but this.. this matters. It’s wrecking his soul but it also gave him undeniable happiness, comfort when he needed it; held on to him when he couldn’t hold on to himself, so how can he let go? Walkout on the person who feels like home?

CHRISTIAN STAMATI