In the context of love and relationships, walls are often considered negatively – as more of a hindrance than a help. A metaphor for overly tight boundaries that are built to protect us from further hurt and disappointment, they’re seen as something that stands in the way of love, that is meant to be broken down or stormed through to let someone in again, either by winning their heart and trust, or possibly even against their wishes – by using clever tactics to persuade or manipulate their feelings, depending on who does the demolishing. Because, at times we may also feel obligated to break them down ourselves.
Usually, they’re built after a hurtful experience from the past which leaves us afraid to be vulnerable, to love, to connect and to risk the possibility of being rejected, losing that love and getting hurt and disappointed all over again.
But, what if that idea no longer serves us and is just an illusion or only partially true? What if, besides those artificial walls shaped by fear, we’re each born with our own, innate, uniquely functional, beneficial walls already installed and shaped with love? What if they are intelligently designed built-in boundaries to ensure that our most rare and precious assets and talents, characteristics and aspects are kept safely guarded, waiting for the right person who would truly appreciate and be curious to fully explore, marvel at and savor each moment of knowing and loving our deepest and truest selves? What if at all those times you were rejected, you were in reality redirected to someone and something even better, more suitable for and more compatible with you?
What if instead of having to be broken down or removed, those natural walls were made to effortlessly let the right person through, at the right time, and from then on to serve the purpose of protecting both of you as a unit, from outside interferences and their bad intentions?
For some, the walls could be aspects of their physical appearance- the way they communicate, or their personal style, while for others, their rare, not so easy to get along with or understand energy, personality and preferences. It could be a strong intuition that allows you to immediately sense who to welcome as a close connection and who to distance yourself from. Sometimes it could also be some kind of visible or invisible health condition or disability or even one’s financial status. It could even be a simple trait like shyness that keeps others at a safe distance, but magically falls away in the right person’s presence. Or it could be as complex as having higher than average intelligence, the need for some level of mental or sensory stimulation, a need for more alone time than average and higher or lower than average physical and/or emotional sensitivity, which can all contribute to making a person more likely to get bored or overstimulated when interacting with someone incompatible.
Whatever it is for you, rest assured that what seems like an obstacle or drawback, the very thing that has caused you to be rejected in the past, might actually serve a noble purpose. Like walls protecting a castle, with precious people and priceless treasures inside it, our natural walls protect us from exposure to ‘intruders’ who have little or no consideration for our true worth and dignity, but are mainly interested in only a few attractive aspects of us and in what they can gain. It keeps out those who might’ve neglected to explore and enjoy your amazing mind and intellect, if all they were interested in was your vibe and appearance. Or those who would’ve missed your deep yet sparkly personality if all they saw were your shared interests and body. And also those who would’ve neglected cherishing, enjoying and meeting your physical needs, because all they paid attention to was your kindness, serving nature, sense of humour and a compatible personality.
To really love someone, it is necessary to get to know, acknowledge, respect and care deeply about every aspect of who they are, holistically. No one was born with only a mind, a personality, certain interests, a body or a heart. And in the long term, love can only survive and keep thriving if it embraces all aspects of each partner’s identity and lifestyle equally and mutually and inspires both to persevere through hard times, obstacles and challenges together.
Long-term relationship success also requires enjoying each other’s company enough to be motivated and inspired to adapt and work hard – not only towards staying together, but ensuring that both partners are growing, happy and satisfied in the relationship.
While useful in avoiding those who wouldn’t be in your best interests, those walls will hopefully also steer you through the maze of life, towards someone who will find it easy and pleasant to love all in you – yes, even those aspects of you that others might’ve found hard to love and/or understand. In doing that, they negate the need to hold onto fears and negative expectations based on previous experiences, fears made powerful by artificial walls, erected to try and avoid repeating similar mistakes, hurts and disappointments. Those are the kind of walls that can block one’s ability to open one’s heart to loving oneself and others. And those kinds of walls can and often should be happily neglected so they’ll naturally fade to dust over time. As long as you have healthy boundaries in place, to keep the bad out and let the good in, you can feel free to let go of that anxiety and feel empowered to be yourself – to act, to feel and to speak from your heart, without pretension or having to filter yourself.
In the end, you do not need everyone or even many to like, love and accept you. You only need two people to do that – you and the one meant for you. Every rejection brings you one step closer to acceptance. What matters most is that you accept yourself, and instead of being hard on yourself and rejecting aspects of who you are, learning to love those aspects and becoming your own best friend.
When you start accepting, liking, and loving yourself enough to live and express your true self fully and authentically – and when you’re patient and trust the process enough to keep improving yourself while keeping your heart open, even if finding love takes longer than you had initially hoped or expected, you are sure to attract someone who will match, appreciate and reciprocate the way you love and the energy you’ve been generous enough to spoil yourself with.
The right person will be unmistakably drawn to you and will love you as you’ve always needed to be loved. They will welcome and appreciate the way you express your love and will find your eccentricities and all the little things that make you who you are, endearing. Instead of resenting your walls, they will nurture and admire them and be a patient presence – making even the most longstanding and hard to conquer artificial walls you’ve built around your heart, as well as any other obstacles in your way, seem insignificant compared to the pleasant privilege of getting to know them and letting them into your heart and life.
So feel free to drop the heavy ball and chain of the past that masquerades as a protective wall and let your natural walls function optimally by freeing yourself to be who you truly are, unapologetically. Enjoy yourself, follow your intuition and trust that who’s meant for you will find you at the best time and will recognise you as perfect for them. They will absolutely be worth the wait as well as the risk of letting yourself be fully seen, heard and known.
No strong desire for something or someone exists in isolation or in vain, sometimes it just takes a while longer than we expected for things to unfold exactly as they’re meant to be. Given the important function, our natural walls of imperfection fulfill, they’re actually not negative like the fear-based walls at all, but instead, something beautiful and magnificent, created with love, to be celebrated, nurtured and appreciated.
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Absolutely true Irma about relationships. What matters is dropping those walls holding us back because of past fear and scars to embrace openness while protecting the heart from everything toxic. An amazing take on relationship.
Thank you Vishal. Exactly, thanks for adding your wise perspective. That’s so kind of you.