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The heart desires remorselessly and the mind suffers- bearing the weight of all the consequences and fretting over the tiniest of things. It’s in these moments you begin to question everything you ever stood for, when your principles are challenged by none other than your own self.
What are you supposed to do when the disruption is not caused by someone or something else but your very own existence? How do you find the right balance between right and wrong, when you are longing for one thing and every cell in your body is telling you to do something else? What is right and wrong anyway? Who decided these parameters to measure our actions and thoughts?
With this persistent bickering going on in her mind, she looked up at the sky which was divulged in hues of red, as it does so seldomly on days when it’s had enough and is perhaps ready to bleed through. It looked beautiful but it made her feel horrible. It looked like a battlefield that was painted across the sky, such that she could physically experience the pain seeping through her skin. But she could not look away because it was breathtaking. So she just stood there, rooted to the spot, feeling miserable but she knew that every second was worth it. There was a stark connection between the sky and how she felt that day. Her own thoughts were massacring her mental stability and there was nothing she could do about it.
For thoughts and feelings are the only things which are truly free, and our very own- without the contamination of the outside world, but that too for only as long as they are not shared. They are sheltered by you, in the non-tangible mess of your own brain. Some times they feed on you like a parasite and at others, they turn your life into a celebration. But what is life anyway? You’re always hanging by a thread that is so twisted that you cannot see the end to it yet you know that it exists. The twists and turns in the thread are all the events happening in life, and at the end of the thread arrives death- the ultimate demise.
She knew that every turn in her life had brought her things. Joy was what she always looked for, but for some reason, it was always latched on to sorrow and pain at the end. There was always one thing that remained, suffering. So, was this everything life had to offer from all its inscrutable depths? She hoped not, for there were yet so many more turns to take. She sighed, accepting the fact that she is not going to find answers for all of her questions yet because she’s spent well half her life searching for things, and for people that were never meant to last. She tried finding meaning in profoundly beautiful moments and had let them just pass, only to realize later that they were gone, and there was nothing meaningful to find there because they were just moments, to be treasured and enjoyed and not to be prodded and tinkered with.
That was one reason why she had abandoned the compulsive need to control every moment, thought, emotion, and feeling to just experience what it had to offer. Because that’s just how life is. You take what is given and try to make the best of it and if you cannot, you just let it go and then there are times when you want to hold on to something but it refuses to stick around no matter how much you want it to stay but then that works in your favor as well, eventually.
If put into simpler words, the universe always finds a way to make sure that you are content with whatever you’re given!