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The sky kept changing its colors, indecisive of what shade it was going to display- akin to his varying feelings, for he couldn’t quite determine what to do. His carefully composed equanimity was slipping, troubling his handsome face. He was barely holding on to his conscience. He kept finding himself lost in a trance. It was a blessing, but one he couldn’t afford. The momentary peace he found was heavenly, deprived of all responsibilities and allegiances that chained him. He was supposed to make the right decision. Well aware of the fact that he couldn’t let his emotions dictate his actions, because the result would be catastrophic, he sighed in resignation as his brain constantly kept throwing facts across his vulnerable senses and resumed looking back at the sky, feeling the struggle within him, depicted very clearly across the horizon.
Life always found ways to be brutal to him and through the years he got used to it all, to be satisfied with it without uttering a word. Complaining was out of the question, for it was for the spineless, and he was anything but that. Life was hard so he became adamant to never give in. Building layers around him helped from unnecessary hurt. Expectations never made way into his life and hope was as fictitious as a fairy tale. He walked with an air of the confidence of a man who feared nothing, and people were in awe of him. His was a beautiful whole on the outside, and that was appealing. You would never know what was beneath all that. There was always a quick smile for anyone who crossed his path, a warm greeting or general regard for the other.
All of that was missing today, it was as if the gravity was nestling there in the pit of his stomach and his mind in tatters. There was no solace to be found, nothing was helping him relax his nerves, which were shooting across his brain like fireworks on the fourth of July. He smirked at his thought process as it was staggeringly slow today. His brain was his most cherished thing. He always admired how it never let him down and yet something that was troubling him was escaping his highly emancipated mind. Maybe, because it was a matter of the heart. A fickle thing towed away by years of grimness somewhere in his chest. It was like an old engine, rusted and now that there was finally a key to start the ignition. He couldn’t bring himself to let the person with the key enable it, deep down he was afraid that it might fail. He didn’t want that to happen and the fear of losing was so dominating that he didn’t even want to try. He couldn’t allow himself to let anyone enter that rusted part, for he wasn’t aware of all that was residing in there. He didn’t want to scare himself along with anyone else who dared venture this further into his life and especially when he had grown to care too. He was completely unaware of how to follow this course or what to do.
His forehead wrinkled as he tried to riddle the chaos erupting in his brain. It was different. He had never experienced such turmoil of emotions in one day in all his life. There were agitation, ambiguity and a desperate need to hold on to what he had found. He was aware that he had a long way to go, but his self-realizations were making it difficult for him; admitting his own feelings and the constant fear of loss were shattering something inside of him.
With his emotions rumbling inside like crazy, he continued doing his work because that was the only thing that helped him calm his nerves. He tried to push it all aside and was partly successful as well, but deep down he knew there was no escape from this!
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