We come across instances and situations in life where a change is necessary. Yet we, at times, just pass by that situation without caring to attempt that transformation. What we do at such times is, we change our thought of change and conveniently step out of the situation.
Perhaps because we think we are too small to bring a change, or we think it doesn’t directly affect us so why should we?, or we just don’t attempt to make it because we always have ‘more important’ jobs to do, or who even has the time to pursue and reform, or perhaps we do not imagine what it could add up to and where things could reach. So we move on…not making a change, one after the other; a series of questionable instances left unquestioned. We move on unapologetically, things go on, in the same old ways, we only firm them up.
I just firmed things up too, passively- by not questioning. Adding layers of doubtful situations and solutions to my thought, I cluttered my mind all along and it’s all too messy right now. I feel suffocated, I see hazy.
And now, I often question myself, “I wish I had voiced and questioned it then.”
“I wish things didn’t turn up to be like this.”
“I wish I could go back in time and set things right.”
“Why did I allow it to happen?”
“What have I done?”
“What am I doing?”
“What should I do now?”
Some things are irreversible but some haven’t slipped out of hand yet. I’m trying to unsettle myself, uncover my rawness by carefully stripping layer by layer, answering each question by finding meaningful solutions to clear the clutter. I need to see clearly, it isn’t about my eyesight, I need to derive clarity in thought and firm up my being. The weight on my chest has to ease, so I can breathe easier.
I do feel let down and wish someone stood up for me and stepped in, to question at that time, so circumstances would be different for me. I was innocent and ignorant back then. Never mind, I will now and from now on, I must resolve to bring a change- for myself and for the others. So no one else feels let down, I’ll stand for them, with them.
It’s true that having lived years in subdue, I never really grew. But from now, this is my cue, that I will edit when and where it’s due!