A Journey through darkness

The moon embraced the darkness of the night, enveloping it in its silvery glow and shined brightly. I tiptoed around waiting for an answer, wondering what on earth has happened, that everything fell apart out of the blue, with no coherent thought in my mind.

I heard a binge and turned around, practically ran towards my phone, hoping that this might ease all the agitation my mind’s been through the day, I hurriedly type my password only to see a two words text, “it’s over” it said. My ego prevented me from asking for any explanation while my heart longed to know why. I put aside my phone and went back to gaze at the sky, but this time, completely oblivious to the beauty of the night. After an excruciatingly long minute, I took a deep breath and went back, grabbed my phone. Typed okay. Sent it. And got out of my room, with a smile plastered on my face like the day couldn’t have been any better.

I knew this was how it was going to be. I’ve had some experience with rejection before, which taught me that I am never going to be enough for anyone because I am no extraordinary human, just an average person, with mundane looks and nothing was exciting about my life or me, that’d keep anyone interested. I remember at a certain point being desperate enough to have him back in my life, that I begged him to stay, pleaded and shed tears for countless nights but he didn’t stay, he never gave me a reason and after a while, I stopped looking for one. I promised myself that I’ll not cry for anyone who decides to leave me.

I know the pain a little too well, so I didn’t feel bad when it came, I embraced it. Back where it belongs, at last, filling the emptiness with numbness and a deprived sense of happiness, nothing more or less, I didn’t care, I realized. For I have been nourishing my pain, building walls around it, vaguely aware that it was anything but healthy, but it was the only way I knew, the only thing that made sense, that the world is a cruel place and I can never let my guard down.

I met more people over time and I sheltered myself by hiding away, tucked somewhere deep inside of me in some box, where dust accumulated and darkness gathered, snide remarks and sarcasm became my self-defense and without even realizing it, I slowly disintegrated inside while keeping my brave on the outside, I kept turning into an unrecognizable mess inside, twisted and dark. There were people I wanted to care for, wanted to show them that I love them but I couldn’t, and I comforted myself by saying that they’re not meant to be, my heart was slowly turning to a stone and I told myself that I am being practical about life, finally.

My one bad experience changed the course of my life, I stopped loving and unknowingly stopped living as well, for real life is pretty shallow without love. I started living on the sidelines and looked at my life as an outsider, for there was nothing in it. It was empty and shallow, filled with pretense. Gradually, I started asking myself questions, for I wanted to know what happened to the overly optimistic girl who used to pray for an angel to be her friend, who actually believed that it could be possible to the girl who questions everyone’s intentions, who believes that no human is selfless, that everyone is looking to take some sort of advantage. I started asking who I am and the question reverberated inside me, shaking my shallow beliefs to the very core and slowly it dawned to me, how I have led myself to this point where I have no idea about who I am or what I am looking for in life. How I am trying to avoid living because I am too scared to be hurt again, ever.

I realized that I never dealt with the hurt, I guarded it and allowed it to rot my insides. I was able to breathe a little easy the day I realized it. It was not an easy journey, it was disconcertingly long, filled with self loathe and missed opportunities and it was not the fault of the person who left, at least not entirely, it was my fault as well because I shunned myself away from everyone or anyone who tried to approach me. I tried building myself again and I’m still in the process and trust me, the sun shines a little bright these days and my smile reach my eyes as well.

GREG RAKOZY CHERRY LAITHANG

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