Dum Spiro Spero

I’m good. I do no harm. I don’t judge. I try to understand. I hold no grudge. I step into people’s shoes. I like to help. I dig laughs. I love to love. I believe in the goodness of people. I am positive. I try to make people feel comfortable in their skin. I respect people. I don’t demean people for the life they live or the choices they make. I believe in a free world. I like to breathe.

I like to be loved. I like being listened to. I like being respected, even with the flaws that I have, even with the wrongs that I do; not because its okay to do wrong, but because it’s all right to make mistakes.

I understand where I go wrong. I feel stained when I do it, because there is no excuse to justify it. I do it in situations, and I regret my mistakes. I always wish I don’t repeat them, but I do sometimes. I know I can change nothing in the world or in the people or in the situations, but I know I can change my reactions. I can ignore. I can avoid doing the wrong even in my reactions. Or else this will go about, in circles. And there will be no freedom from this mess.

I want to be free. And if I want to be free, the only thing that is in my control is my reaction. If my reaction is at par with their actions, I am not being myself. I am being them. I don’t want to be them. I want to be me. Because I am all I have. And I can’t give away more of myself for anybody. I have been doing that for some decades, giving myself away, dropping bits and pieces of myself as I treaded along. I saw myself slipping out, and I didn’t do anything about it, because I felt it was okay. I was doing it for my people and their people.

I was going with the flow. And I realized that nothing added up to me. I just kept giving myself away. And I say, we shouldn’t go with the flow and drown our traits in an attempt to please the world.

It was okay to give up some unworthy traits, but I also started giving my essence away. My individuality is hurt. I am in pain. I am at a loss of self esteem. I am okay if people don’t respect me any more. But I don’t want to get to a point where I lose my respect in my eyes. I see myself slowly stepping in that zone. And much of it is for my reactions. Not that I am over reacting, I am only saturated.

Every time I do some wrong, I feel the heaviness in my chest. It plays on my mind and suffocates me. It has been happening for a while. I wish someone took a stand for me. Today I feel like a huge rock is placed on my chest. I am at the verge of an outburst. I don’t want to have an outburst. I will have to think how to handle this.

I think, I must stop expecting. I must now stand up for myself. It is not easy, finding a balance. I want to do things for myself but I don’t want to be selfish. I want to be happy, but I don’t want it at the cost of any other’s happiness. I want to guard my self esteem but I don’t want to hurt anyone else’s ego in doing so. I want to find time to pursue my interests but I don’t want to compromise in my duties. I want my rights, but I also want to accomplish in my responsibilities.

I want to be remembered fondly. I want to invest all the values I was brought up with. I say ‘invest’ because I believe goodness is always reciprocated. I do not want to devalue my upbringing in any way. Or else I would consider my life wasted. This is my life. This is my journey. I want to walk it happy and with ease. I want to breathe easy. I want to fly. I want to hold on to myself. I want to reach a point where I love myself completely. I will have to do it for myself, because no one else can and no one else will. I will….

GREG RAKOZY ANTHONY TRAN

9 Comments Add yours

  1. Mary Naylor says:

    I think your approach is a great way to increase self awareness. Thanks for sharing.

    1. Chigo says:

      Beautifuly written.. Goodness is indeed reciprocated. Your approach is genuine. I love it

    2. nida@wordfrappe says:

      Hey Chigo, this means much. Appreciate. 💕

    3. Mary Naylor says:

      Thank you!

  2. nida says:

    Hi, I’m glad you could find meaning in my words. Appreciate your kindness. Thank you! ❤

  3. Nicely crafted. I love the flow of this article. So important to be good and do good, but you can’t give yourself away. You have to be you and focus on your happiness without doing harm or hindering others. Great article.

    1. nida@wordfrappe says:

      Thank you for your kind words. I am glad you liked it. I am still working to become better and stay happy and keep everyone happy too. ❤😊

  4. Atul says:

    Thoughts are clear & loud .. beautifully written

    1. nida@wordfrappe says:

      Thank you Atul for your view on the post. Kind of you! 🙂

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