Dum Spiro Spero

I’m good. I do no harm. I don’t judge. I try to understand. I hold no grudge. I step into people’s shoes. I like to help. I dig laughs. I love to love. I believe in the goodness of people. I am positive. I try to make people feel comfortable in their skin. I respect people. I don’t demean people for the life they live or the choices they make. I believe in a free world. I like to breathe.

I like to be loved. I like being listened to. I like being respected, even with the flaws that I have, even with the wrongs that I do; not because its okay to do wrong, but because it’s all right to make mistakes.

I understand where I go wrong. I feel stained when I do it, because there is no excuse to justify it. I do it in situations, and I regret my mistakes. I always wish I don’t repeat them, but I do sometimes. I know I can change nothing in the world or in the people or in the situations, but I know I can change my reactions. I can ignore. I can avoid doing the wrong even in my reactions. Or else this will go about, in circles. And there will be no freedom from this mess.

I want to be free. And if I want to be free, the only thing that is in my control is my reaction. If my reaction is at par with their actions, I am not being myself. I am being them. I don’t want to be them. I want to be me. Because I am all I have. And I can’t give away more of myself for anybody. I have been doing that for some decades, giving myself away, dropping bits and pieces of myself as I treaded along. I saw myself slipping out, and I didn’t do anything about it, because I felt it was okay. I was doing it for my people and their people.

I was going with the flow. And I realized that nothing added up to me. I just kept giving myself away. And I say, we shouldn’t go with the flow and drown our traits in an attempt to please the world.

It was okay to give up some unworthy traits, but I also started giving my essence away. My individuality is hurt. I am in pain. I am at a loss of self esteem. I am okay if people don’t respect me any more. But I don’t want to get to a point where I lose my respect in my eyes. I see myself slowly stepping in that zone. And much of it is for my reactions. Not that I am over reacting, I am only saturated.

Every time I do some wrong, I feel the heaviness in my chest. It plays on my mind and suffocates me. It has been happening for a while. I wish someone took a stand for me. Today I feel like a huge rock is placed on my chest. I am at the verge of an outburst. I don’t want to have an outburst. I will have to think how to handle this.

I think, I must stop expecting. I must now stand up for myself. It is not easy, finding a balance. I want to do things for myself but I don’t want to be selfish. I want to be happy, but I don’t want it at the cost of any other’s happiness. I want to guard my self esteem but I don’t want to hurt anyone else’s ego in doing so. I want to find time to pursue my interests but I don’t want to compromise in my duties. I want my rights, but I also want to accomplish in my responsibilities.

I want to be remembered fondly. I want to invest all the values I was brought up with. I say ‘invest’ because I believe goodness is always reciprocated. I do not want to devalue my upbringing in any way. Or else I would consider my life wasted. This is my life. This is my journey. I want to walk it happy and with ease. I want to breathe easy. I want to fly. I want to hold on to myself. I want to reach a point where I love myself completely. I will have to do it for myself, because no one else can and no one else will. I will….

 ANTHONY TRAN